My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
