p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
