would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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