So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
