Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
