i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
