If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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