I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
