the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
