If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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