When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
