I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
