I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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