The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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