I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
