Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
