Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
