Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
