Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
