someone get that fucking seahorse.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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