At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
