Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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