cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
