you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
