This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
