The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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