I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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