Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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