how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
