she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
