im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
