need another drink. this is the easiest way
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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