I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
