Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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