My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
