I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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