Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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