omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
