Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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