But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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