your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
