Grow some girl-balls and come out already
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
