my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
