Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
two words...techno handjob
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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