She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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