It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
