it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
