bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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