My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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