the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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