This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
