just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
