I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
